There are certain times in my life when I am a mighty warrior, one that is so strong and fierce that nothing can stand in my way. I had just such a time a few days ago.
It all started out quite innocently. There I was, sitting unsuspectingly on my bed, snuggled under my covers reading a terrific Louis L'Amour book. I have never told you before, but I love the Louis L'Amour books and so my leisurely time spent reading those books in the evenings is quite normal and nothing seemed amiss.
It was dark out and I was savoring the softness of my favorite blanket and the terrific tale being told in my book. Now my super warrior instincts were quite alert and my eye twitched. I thought nothing of it till I felt this great big black shadow hovering over me. Slowly I lowered my book and looked to see what it might be.
My heart was ridden with terror when that great black shadow turned out be a most hideous brown scaled, large, bow legged bug perched primly on the tip of my big toe! Diane (she had been reading a book on the bed too) shrieked and flew out of bed. As she trembled by the door I bravely yanked my toe out from under that armored beast.
My eagle like eyes scanned the room in seconds and with the aid of my dear comrade in battle I attained a most fearsome trap for the beast. The trap of which we are speaking was a lovely flowery stationary box. With lithe feet I approached the beast and with all my strength I fought a gag as I approached it. My breathing was labored and my heart was beating frantically, but nevertheless my nimble fingers scooped up that abomination into it's trap. Diane is not by any means a strong-hearted warrior so she fled the room as I delicately perched that box containing the monster on the top of my little waste basket and with a magnificent leap I flew under my covers feeling courageous and worthy of every medal that could possibly be bestowed upon me.
My night was fitful because since I had not actually, dare I say it, squished, that bug it was still very much alive and all throughout the night I tossed and turned to the sound of the great bow legged behemoth clacking it's scaly shell against the sides of it's trap, trying as it might to escape.
Now when morning arrived, rest assured I found a warrior reputed to be one with a strong heart, to put that monster to sleep. (Thanks Dad if you're reading this.) And that concludes the tale of my awesomeness.
Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Saturday, November 26, 2016
My Dear Diary ~ A Morning Spent Shopping
I don't know about you, but to me spending an afternoon, or evening, or whenever really, scribbling away in my diary is a pretty perfect way to use up my time and document my life in a pleasing and enjoyable manner. Even though the idea of having my life recorded is terrific, it is the fact that I can write absolutely whatever I fancy at the moment into my diary that makes me love it so much. Plus, my diary is like a friend to me, however strange that may sound.
Now I did not plan to go about making a blog post consisting of nothing but yapping about my diary so I shall not turn it into that now. My point for writing this post was to tell you about my morning that I spent shopping, I am only giving you a proper introduction to my diary because today you shall get to meet her because I have had a pretty terrific morning that can only be told to you properly if I go and share my diary entry about it with you.
But, before I begin, there is one thing that you must know about my diary, and that particular bit of information is that her name is Arabella, I don't know why I chose that name but she looked a bit British so I went with it.
Now that I have given you that vital bit of information I can share my morning with you just as I did with Arabella. Well, everything but my handwriting, which you can be glad you don't have to view since this font is a lot more legible.
Dear Arabella,
Though it is only 3:27 in the afternoon, I was in the mood to write so here I hideout in my room, secluded efficiently from most of reality. Isn't that terrific?!
This morning at around nine, Mum whisked Diane, Sean, and I off to to go about some shopping for Christmas supplies and various other items.
My lower back was doing a splendid job of hurting and throbbing uncontrollably, so that made for an interesting ride into town. I didn't care too much though, because everyone knows that physical comfort is overrated. #sarcasm
Once we had arrived at the store Mum led us all to the Christmas section of the store which seemed to be branched off as another building. That building had frequently opened doors so lots of cheery birds were flying around chirping incessantly. I was in awe of all the supplies in the Christmas department, we browsed for a while and Mum selected several rolls of wrapping paper and a large container of gorgeous ornaments. I could have spent hours in that department doing nothing but sighing over perfectly darling ornaments and so on.
Sadly however, we left to finish up the rest of our shopping . Since it's Christmas season, there were exceeding amounts of elf balloons everywhere. They were floating over shelves, and peeking from behind boxes, and some were basking in the warmth of the ceiling lights. Sean didn't seem overly impressed about them, but that only amused me.
Mum took us to select winter boots then and I have to admit that I was a touch upset over how Mum made me get a pair of boots suited for orcs instead of a lovely pair that I wanted. I believe as Mum put it "you have to be practical, you're using these outside in the snow, it's not like you're using them to go to church or something." Can you believe that?! I'd much rather be cold and stylish than warm and sporting boots that orcs would fancy.
However, Arabella, all thoughts of fashion problems were soon forgotten when I arrived to the tea section and was informed that I could select anything that suited my fancy. Naturally I chose the "English Breakfast Tea" knowing that once I arrived at home that Dad and I would have to thoroughly look over the assets of the tea, noting it's flavour notes and so on.
Once we had checked out and were leaving, the store's greeter took one look at our tub of ornaments and immediately began telling Mum how he decorated his tree with purple ornaments and how the tinsel we had selected didn't actually look that pretty on the tree. Mum tried to politely edge away from all of his excessive chatter but that man followed us right along. I don't know exactly why but he struck one of my many absurd funny bones.
That was only an excerpt from my diary but I believe it served to tell you about my morning spent shopping. You see, sometimes I can explain things better to Arabella than anyone else.
Now I did not plan to go about making a blog post consisting of nothing but yapping about my diary so I shall not turn it into that now. My point for writing this post was to tell you about my morning that I spent shopping, I am only giving you a proper introduction to my diary because today you shall get to meet her because I have had a pretty terrific morning that can only be told to you properly if I go and share my diary entry about it with you.
But, before I begin, there is one thing that you must know about my diary, and that particular bit of information is that her name is Arabella, I don't know why I chose that name but she looked a bit British so I went with it.
Now that I have given you that vital bit of information I can share my morning with you just as I did with Arabella. Well, everything but my handwriting, which you can be glad you don't have to view since this font is a lot more legible.
Dear Arabella,
Though it is only 3:27 in the afternoon, I was in the mood to write so here I hideout in my room, secluded efficiently from most of reality. Isn't that terrific?!
This morning at around nine, Mum whisked Diane, Sean, and I off to to go about some shopping for Christmas supplies and various other items.
My lower back was doing a splendid job of hurting and throbbing uncontrollably, so that made for an interesting ride into town. I didn't care too much though, because everyone knows that physical comfort is overrated. #sarcasm
Once we had arrived at the store Mum led us all to the Christmas section of the store which seemed to be branched off as another building. That building had frequently opened doors so lots of cheery birds were flying around chirping incessantly. I was in awe of all the supplies in the Christmas department, we browsed for a while and Mum selected several rolls of wrapping paper and a large container of gorgeous ornaments. I could have spent hours in that department doing nothing but sighing over perfectly darling ornaments and so on.
Sadly however, we left to finish up the rest of our shopping . Since it's Christmas season, there were exceeding amounts of elf balloons everywhere. They were floating over shelves, and peeking from behind boxes, and some were basking in the warmth of the ceiling lights. Sean didn't seem overly impressed about them, but that only amused me.
Mum took us to select winter boots then and I have to admit that I was a touch upset over how Mum made me get a pair of boots suited for orcs instead of a lovely pair that I wanted. I believe as Mum put it "you have to be practical, you're using these outside in the snow, it's not like you're using them to go to church or something." Can you believe that?! I'd much rather be cold and stylish than warm and sporting boots that orcs would fancy.
However, Arabella, all thoughts of fashion problems were soon forgotten when I arrived to the tea section and was informed that I could select anything that suited my fancy. Naturally I chose the "English Breakfast Tea" knowing that once I arrived at home that Dad and I would have to thoroughly look over the assets of the tea, noting it's flavour notes and so on.
Once we had checked out and were leaving, the store's greeter took one look at our tub of ornaments and immediately began telling Mum how he decorated his tree with purple ornaments and how the tinsel we had selected didn't actually look that pretty on the tree. Mum tried to politely edge away from all of his excessive chatter but that man followed us right along. I don't know exactly why but he struck one of my many absurd funny bones.
That was only an excerpt from my diary but I believe it served to tell you about my morning spent shopping. You see, sometimes I can explain things better to Arabella than anyone else.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Tis the Season to be Sweaty....
Ah, Summer! It sneaks up from behind in gentle breezes and then BAM, you're sweltering in insufferable humidity (which is the curly girl's worst enemy), and everything is so sticky and warm you wish you could just hibernate till fall.
Though heat is tolerable if you don't mind when you're body cries, and the humidity is pleasant if you like big hair, I have developed a not so serious list of everything you can do to avoid all of Summer's terrors.
#1. How to avoid getting sunburned if sprays and creams don't help ~ Wear a sun hat, hold a parasol, and to avoid sun damage on your arms, legs, etc. Wrap yourself in a thick cotton quilt so that the sun cannot penetrate the fibers as easily.
#2. How to escape the heat ~ First nail all of your living room's furniture in-place then glue items such as lamps, ash trays, and so on firmly onto the items that they are resting upon. Then purchase an industrial quality fan and place it against one of your living room walls. (You will find the fan not only cools the room but gives your face the same affects as botox.)
#3. How to avoid sweating ~ Begin by finding a clothespin, once found proceed to place it on your nose and shut your mouth. Count to 1,000 and you'll be sure to be sweat free for the rest of your life.
#4. How to avoid boredom ~ Purchase (or prepare) several lemon meringue pies and invite some friends over. With everyone armed with a pie, proceed to smash them into each other's faces.
That concludes my list of terrific ideas on how to tackle most of the common problems Summer presents, and with that, I wish you all a wonderful Summer.
Though heat is tolerable if you don't mind when you're body cries, and the humidity is pleasant if you like big hair, I have developed a not so serious list of everything you can do to avoid all of Summer's terrors.
#1. How to avoid getting sunburned if sprays and creams don't help ~ Wear a sun hat, hold a parasol, and to avoid sun damage on your arms, legs, etc. Wrap yourself in a thick cotton quilt so that the sun cannot penetrate the fibers as easily.
#2. How to escape the heat ~ First nail all of your living room's furniture in-place then glue items such as lamps, ash trays, and so on firmly onto the items that they are resting upon. Then purchase an industrial quality fan and place it against one of your living room walls. (You will find the fan not only cools the room but gives your face the same affects as botox.)
#3. How to avoid sweating ~ Begin by finding a clothespin, once found proceed to place it on your nose and shut your mouth. Count to 1,000 and you'll be sure to be sweat free for the rest of your life.
#4. How to avoid boredom ~ Purchase (or prepare) several lemon meringue pies and invite some friends over. With everyone armed with a pie, proceed to smash them into each other's faces.
That concludes my list of terrific ideas on how to tackle most of the common problems Summer presents, and with that, I wish you all a wonderful Summer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)